DECEMBER NOTATIONS (2022)

Hear me out.

I intended on having a November Notation but to be quite frank I have no idea where the hell that month went. I was a bit busy unpacking things within myself that I truly had no interest in consciously addressing anytime soon, while simultaneously answering questions I've had for ages. As isolating as it felt, I'd say I handled my internal deep dive a lot better than I have prior times which I genuinely commend myself on.

Aside from the scramble in attempting to keep in high spirits in honor of all the Saggiterrorists in my life, the holiday season (I guess), using up the rest of my healthcare deductible, and just trying to scratch more off the list of goals/resolutions made at the beginning of the year, This month I feel the dense aroma of optimism in the air. And although it be just an aroma, I'll see to it that it's savored...at least in the ways that I can control it:

1. Vishuddi Opening

I did a thing, a thing I can't reveal just yet ,however, it is something that I felt I was called to do and was very glad that I answered to.

At the beginning of the year I asked God for the opportunity to use my voice again, in the best way seen fit. I've tried to separate and suppress myself from that part of me for quite some time, but as a former P.A kid who sang in choir and studied music for many years, I just haven't been able to shake that part of me has been yearning to be set free.

I wasn't sure of how it'd be done aside from singing in the shower to be honest. I had the idea of what I wanted to do... something lowkey, nothing too intricate, maybe adlibs or background harmonies or an interlude if anything. I knew for sure that I didn't want to push or seek it. If the moment was for me, it'd come to me with a calmness. And just as it be as spirit wills, it played out just as that.

The song itself was a song I fell in love with immediately upon hearing, in fact I have a voice note of my first encounter hearing it at a party in NY.

Of course at the time it was unreleased, so I had no idea that it was by someone I've bumped shoulders with or would end up working with in this way. Fast forward 11 months later from leaving my celestial voicemail, what I initially understood to be a call for choir (comfort zone) was actually a live duet (non-comfort zone) and as nervous as I was to step forward, I knew it was where I needed to be.

For a moment, just a moment before the introduction, I thought to myself:

What if this is a distraction?

How will I be perceived?

Will I be able to perform as well as I'd like even though I have this frog in my throat? How come nobody else is in my place?

Y'know, those silly questions with no true basis other than insecurity. Of course, knowing his being and my love of reassurance, those questions came to pass in the moments encompassing our first rehearsal. Being surrounded by a room filled the talented people (including a few of my fellow P.A peers from high school) was both equally moving and comforting. From the art we created to the encouragement and affirmations shared with one another, it felt really, really, really, good to be in that space and to share a part of myself in it.

Had you have told me that that's how my request would've been answered I couldn't have imagined.

2. Canvas Rebel Interview

Speaking of celestial voicemails, I got my third magazine feature (hopefully we can touch print soon) which I am very proud of.

On brand with the character, once again the opportunity came as a pleasant surprise considering my decrease in creative output during the year. And I'm grateful to be featured on a platform that highlights creatives and their stories. I think my favorite thing about interviews is being able to track my growth through my responses and I must say I'm highly satisfied in my progress in comparison to the last.

This time around I touch a bit on my background, my mindset and where I see myself in the near future.

Feel free to check it out here.

3. Retrograde Rambling

People get so afraid of retrogrades (mercury in particular) and I really don't understand it. Where is all this energy where we really need it during a full moon?

Yeah sure, that ex from God knows how long ago suddenly wants to check on your well being, and your phone may be more prone to breaking, and maybe you may need to put a bit more thought into what you say in order prevent being misinterpreted. But in reality the theme is to pay more attention. Pay attention to the themes in your life that need a good tidying. And be it quite humbling, it shouldn't be cowering to accept that there are parts of ourselves that aren't up to par with others.

In my case, I tend to ignore what I have no interest in fixing until I feel it absolutely necessary to get rid of it. Not necessarily the best frame of thinking, as sometimes situations or people don't always need to be sent to the metaphysical incinerator, but it is sector that routinely gets illuminated during these periods. M.R is a time where I ask myself(s):

Am I done here?

Do I a c t u a l l y want another round of this?

Is this necessary to my character development at all?

Has this helped me develop in anyway since the last time I had to ask myself this question?

If so, how?

If not, what purpose is it still serving...if any?

Needless to say, I appreciate that. I may not enjoy it, but as someone who moves fast and in my own bubble, that time to stop and take inventory is crucial as chaotic of a period it may be.

4. Joined at the wrist

I read somewhere a few years ago that friendship was a choice. As fate willed it, I'm almost 100% I didn't have such a luxury with this one.

Born 7 days apart and inseparable since the 7th grade, what started as borderline harassment morphed in to a life-long BOGO deal to most we've met along the way. Even from the earlier years, we kind of just knew we'd be in each others lives for the long run.

Favored are those who find their soul mate but blessed are those who find their soulmate in a sister.

The friendship, or rather sisterhood at this point, that my bestfriend and I share is one that I tend to count twice on my gratitude list. As different as we are we're just as similar and even our contrasts have always complimented each other. It sucks that everyone doesn't have a Miajah in their life, you know someone that just gets it, someone you know without a doubt will foundationally have your back, supports your dreams and aspirations before even understanding the concept and just trusting you'll excel in whatever you do, someone who holds you accountable on your bs, someone you want to make proud and not let down, someone who you'd trust with your life (or in my case, iphone location).

Easily compacted, our friendship is precious. And in honor of the Esperanza Spalding song that we used to sing at the most inappropriate times, that's that phrase we chose to remind us of not only each other but ourselves.

Funny enough, as much as the song resonated when we were younger, its lyrics mean so much more as time has passed. Different stanzas take on different definitions, the same words have different associations.

And as many may confirm that we once were joined at the hip, here we are today, joined at the wrist.

5. Untimely Departure

It's important to remember the significance in our existence but that said existence is limited.

To expand:

recognizing our existence lies in living whole-y,

filling up our allotted space,

impacting those around us positively/with intangible benefits,

honoring ourselves by remembering we are mere mortals, not machines, nor are we imperishable

But what lasts longer than the physical? Our spirits.

And the memories imbedded in minds of those left behind to tell the story.

Your story.

To bring further relevance I lost a mothering figure to cancer. The kind of cancer that just sweeps in without warning and files out with its host just as fast. There's a profound contrast in emotions with all things considered. Obviously there's a heavy and dark bitterness in the depth of her absence, she won't get to see her only son graduate (in the physical at least), she won't get to grow old and be introduced to the offspring that she envisioned for all her "children", and most importantly the fact that she never really got to relax -- a theme that is all too prevalent in the lifestyles of single African/Black moms.

And it could've stopped there had she not lived whole-y. But considering that's not the case, there's a silver lining.

She was one of a kind, and that in every sense of the phrase. She's someone you could expect nothing but the rawest truth from. Someone that opened her home to all and made sure you left with not only food for the belly but food for thought. There was no such thing as a brief or dull moment as she made sure to fill up the space and time together with her boisterous storytelling and humorous anecdotes.

Death is inevitable, but she shared so much life.

She's remembered for her life and that is something to be grateful for.

Rest In Peace Aunty Ese

6. Tea With Tay

When it comes to living bodaciously, what comes to mind are a certain sect of people who aren't afraid to say and ask exactly what's on their mind.

One of my most recent discoveries of such a lifestyle comes from Tea With Tay Podcast. Hosted by Nigerian actor/personality Taymesan, this podcast is described as a "sweet gist type of show discussing societal issues and personal experience in a fun light-hearted and entertaining way". Aside from his banter, the guest choices are interesting and the conversations inciteful. The interview that really had me hooked and going down the rabbit hole was his Interview with Jim Iyke.

If you don't know who Jim Iyke is you've probably seen him on a meme or snippet floating around the internet. He's essentially part of Nollywood Hall of Fame and holds the title for being one of the baddest "bad boys" on screen.

Now anyone who has seen him in action *ba dum tisk* knows that he's going to deliver his lines and deliver them well...a bit too well. And that wouldn't be too far off considering he really isn't acting much at all.

In his interview he breaks down his humblesque beginnings. And truly I use the word ever so lightly due to the fact that he really wasn't humble whatsoever. Literally speaking, he started off his acting career with no prior acting background, no connects, no intent of receiving any supporting roles, and an ego larger than life.

That's not to say that it was easy. However, when the opportunity presented itself he showed his whole entire ass. Not only did he stun the entire cast and crew considering how dramatically far off script he went, but they were just as surprised at how well it actually worked and the movie sales proved it. But hedidn't stop there. He had an image to uphold. An image Nollywood wasn't ready for considering he had to fund most of his wardrobe by himself in his earlier films. The same wardrobe we reference in our mind when we even think of that era.

Maybe it doesn't take being as drastic as our guy Jim here, but he didn't take "no" for an answer. He had a vision for himself, was himself all the way through, and as much as it made people uncomfortable he stuck to it and fought for the rights of many nollywood actors to follow.

Moral of his story, and my reason for bringing him up, is to bet on yourself. Everytime.

Play To Win.